rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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