You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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