I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
