I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
it's like heaven, but drunker
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
