This is not my ceiling
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
