i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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