Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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