If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
