Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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