I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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