Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
