Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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