her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
