I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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