Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
