Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
