She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He has the fingertips of a God
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
