all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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