omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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