so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
