if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just cut my nipple shaving
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
