i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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