420 ftw
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
