What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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