I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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