Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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