pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
