moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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