Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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