Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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