Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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