So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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