You smell like a Billy Joel song
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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