fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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