I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
