i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
