What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
