What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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