im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
organizing the empties. That sober.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
