peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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