We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
