there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
