I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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