It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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