I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
