Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
