My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
