I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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