remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
