So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
