Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
