the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
